i imagine myself making my blog iwanttopromotemyselfbetter.blogspot.com restricted now and then so that only i can read it in order to make the five ‘unique visitors’
- 'hungry for more'
- curious about my mental state
- aware of how fucked up and unfair the life/the internet can be
- think that i don't want, care or dare to promote myself better anymore
- think that other people and publishers have taken care of promoting me to the extent where my blog became 100% redundant; uncomfortable with the fact that it will never be updated i chose to restrict it so that only i can read it
- wonder if i'm only able to type semi-autobiographical crap while drunk on pathetic 'bargain price' vine from sainsbury's, and that sainsbury's was probably sold out of pathetic 'bargain price' vine for a week, and then believe 'there's a logical reason for everything that happens in this world,' and then feel ‘peaceful inside’ because of their seemingly logical reasoning and then think ‘i have potential, my intellectual capacity is in a dynamic state, i will never be published by globally acclaimed journals though, but hey, fuck globally acclaimed journals, i just write really introspective stuff for myself, preferably in my pocket sized, 80 plain pages, last 16 sheets detachable, volant moleskine notebook to feel peaceful inside nonstop, and this hobby will quite possibly help me to achieve my goals in general and in the long run i will make my parents proud, i have to make my parents proud before they die, they’ll die within the next decade’
- give me attention by sending emails saying 'man, what's happening with your blog? please let me in, you are such a good person, i support you on an existential level even though i'm not 100% sure what "existentialism" means in terms of the twentieth-century literary and philosophical movement, i better look it up before i make an ass of myself in front of more educated people who i might meet at the student union on friday’
- think i'm a very mysterious, eccentric, busy person whose life is very multicultural and ‘dynamic’ and 'worth living,' and that all my clothes and all my friends are as obscure and rare as a ‘various artist’ compilation called ‘obscure various artist compilation: rarities and obscurities 1964-1967’
- speculate about my political views on promoting human beings, culture, music, art, myself
- wonder if some of the other ‘unique visitors’ have been offered access and start to imagine that at least one ‘unique visitor’ has been offered access, and then think ‘ah, what did i do wrong? i’m such a miserable fuck, i’ll just go to sleep, i have nothing to gain by being awake anyway, i think i’ll just try to sleep myself to death, but, haha (sic) wait a minute, is that possible? well, what the hell, let’s give it a try, i’m such an idi…, ah, fuck me’
- feel 'rewarded' and ‘peaceful inside’ when they visit the blog for the twenty-fourth time with a very hopeful and tired facial expression and find out that the blog is not restricted anymore
[Beklager oppløsningen på bildet, vil forsøke å forbedre kvaliteten siden, red.anm.]'all this just for the sake of feeling peaceful inside' i say repeatedly inside my head for 4 minutes with a confused facial expression. and, yeah, i'm back at the library again. i eat things with my teeth in this very moment in front of the library computer. i always eat something while using the library computer. i don’t want to get food and shit on my own computer. all the sesame seeds from my organic crisp bread fall into the keyboard and all over the desk. i like to observe how the organic sesame seeds fall down into the keyboard. i give the keyboard a look that says 'oh, yeah baby, can you feel this, this one's for you baby, this one's for you, don't you like to be filled with organic sesame seeds from my huge fucking organic crisp bread, oh yeah, you do, you do, don’t you give me that look, no one returns my look ok.’ i only give keyboards that kind of look, i have never met any living person who deserves it, if that person exists in concrete reality, that person has to be my favorite person of all time, ‘i miss you so much right now’ i think, i will spend the rest of my meaningless life searching for you, and when i find you i will rape you savagely without reservations, i’ll blind myself in order to ignore your gender, age, social status, ethnicity, taste in music and films, favorite television show, religious and political views, the state to which you have allowed your body to decay, current city. if i hadn’t already blinded myself i would have given you the aforementioned look, hence it will never be possible for me in concrete reality to give you that look even if you were my favorite person, because it’s impossible for me to believe someone is my favorite person without being blinded. you’ll just be you, somewhere. waiting for me, perhaps. you are you forever. i’ll just be me for two more decades. don’t expect me to find you. i’m at the library.
